Stinkers – Kabuki Warriors

Genre – Fighting
Platform – XBox

There was no other game that I could put as my first Stinkers post.  This. game. is. just. awful.  So true story.  A friend and I were in Best Buy one day, back when Best Buy was still cool and had a lot of video games and not full of stupid phone accessories, shortly after I had gotten the original XBox (launch day!).  We were looking at games and were looking for another fighting game.  I already had Dead or Alive 3, so why we weren’t content with that, I’ll never know.  This game was in a bargain bin (hint #1) and he picked it up and said “Get this!  It looks like Mortal Kombat but Japanese!”.  I am a fan of MK, so I bought it.

We took it back to my place and played it for about 10 minutes before we put it away.  I then assumed we missed something and played the single-player campaign.  I played it most of the way through.  I guess I was a glutton for punishment back then.

Let me sum up this game – you start out as an almost shapeless clay figure and fight with a curtain rod.  This isn’t what the game thinks you are doing, but that’s EXACTLY what it looks like.  Seriously, these beginning minions look like the developers just didn’t have time to render them and left them as-is.    You kill other generic grey things for several levels until you meet the one interesting guy in town, who happens to be a cross-dressing weirdo fighting with something as exciting as an umbrella.  To get money, you have to stop in the middle of your fighting and pose.  Your spectators then throw money on the stage.   Wait.  Guys in drag posing on a stage and having money thrown at them.  OMG it’s a game about strippers and must be a joke, right?  Wrong.  This game isn’t even close to being humorous, outside of its horribleness.

The graphics are ok and a few of the stages look pretty good.  There is also one immediately annoying sound effect through the entire game – EEEEOOOOOO – which will have you ready to shoot your TV.  The game play is as terrible as the characters.  My two-year old nephew would be able to get through this game simply by pressing the A button for a while.  That’s right, you have one button to press to fight and there doesn’t seem to be any need for strategy – or even thinking, for that matter.  This game is so bad that I would recommend playing it just so you can experience it and put it on your own Stinkers list.

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